At the same time, our hearts go out to our friends and fellow church members who are distressed or discouraged over the state of their marriage. Their relationship is characterized by conflict and frustration rather than love, joy and peace.
In his book, When Sinners Say "I Do": Discovering the Power of the Gospel for Marriage, author Dave Harvey begins by presenting three biblical principles in relation to a Christian marriage. I have thought about these over and over, and I am convinced that if couples would remember and apply these principles on a consistent basis, their marriage would be transformed:
1. God's Word is the foundation for marriage.
2. God's glory is the focus of marriage.
3. The Gospel is the fountain of marriage.
By God's grace, Ruthie and I can say that we see these three principles actively at work in our marriage. Again, let me stress that our marriage is far from perfect! But we are happy and fulfilled in our covenant of companionship.
As you can see, the three principles stated above are very basic and broad. While we would encourage you to get the book (wherein Harvey expounds upon these principles), we thought it would be helpful to share with you some personal tidbits on how we apply these principles in everyday, practical ways in our own marriage.
Considering that we just celebrated our 18th anniversary on the 18th of August, we decided to share "18 Tips for a Terrific Marriage." When I asked Ruthie to help me with this project, she spent some time working on this while I was at a ministry meeting. When I came home and asked her if she came up with some practical suggestions, she said, "Yes, but instead of eighteen, I came up with twenty-four!"
After some slight revisions, we have boiled down Ruthie's original list to our "quota" of 18 tips, by making the additional suggestions fit as sub-points elsewhere. I thought you should know, up front, that Ruthie came up with this list. So while I concur with everything that she said and have included some Scripture references and a few additional comments, these are suggestions coming from a wife's standpoint, with the hearty endorsement of her happy and fulfilled husband. So here they are, in no particular order:
- Look for the things you love about your spouse, not the little things that irritate you (Phil. 4:8).
- Make time to talk (even about the everyday things) a real priority.
- Keep short accounts with one another. Don't let bitterness or resentment build. Note: Timing is everything when it comes to bringing up a sensitive or stressful situation. Late at night when you're both tired is usually not the best time to resolve a disagreement. The key to not letting the sun go down on your wrath is to give it to the Lord (Psalm 4:4-5), not to "give it" to your spouse right before bed!
- Try to discuss things of the Lord and His Word (Psalm 19:165), and pray together as often as possible (Eph. 6:18; 1 Pet. 4:7-8).
- Be thankful and appreciative for all that your spouse does, whether monumental or mundane (1 Thes. 5:17).
- Be intentional about keeping courtship and romance alive in your marriage (Song of Solomon 1:15-16; 2:2-6; 7:10): (a) Take the time and effort to make yourself attractive to your spouse; (b) Make "date night" a regular priority - be creative, it doesn't need to be costly; (c) If at all possible, go to bed at the same time, don't have a TV in your bedroom, and make sure you're clean and fresh - it's conducive to snuggling! (d) Be sensitive to meeting your spouse's sexual needs (1 Cor. 7:3) - remember it's not all about you ... and you are usually glad you did! :)
- Be sure both your husband and kids see that he is the final authority in the home. Husbands, be sure your kids see how much you love and respect your wife. Insist that they honor their mother as well (Prov. 31:28).
- Never criticize your spouse to your kids; bring your concerns to him or her in a right spirit, and in private, once you have examined your own heart. Note: United, loving parents give a huge sense of security to their children.
- Don't assume the worst about your spouse in a given situation; remember, love believes the best (1 Cor. 13:7).
- Make every effort to keep your home - and particularly your bedroom clutter-free and inviting.
- Make sitting down to dinner together as a family a priority. In the end, sports and guitar lessons pale in comparison. If dinner simply cannot work out, then make it some other meal.
- Don't nag or manipulate to get what you want. While it may bring short-term results, it will bring long-term damage.
- Remember to lift up your spouse in prayer daily.
- Try to make your home as stress-free as possible, so that coming home is a pleasant, not miserable, experience.
- Don't speak negatively of your spouse to others, and always be ready to defend him or her if someone does. (This does not mean that you excuse or endorse the sin of your spouse, but that you handle things in a loving, biblical manner, wherein you seek to uphold his or her honor.)
- Make a conscious effort to encourage and build up your spouse, always being there to help him or her in any way you can. You should be your spouse's number-one encourager.
- Don't let money matters ruin your marriage. Wives, don't complain about what you don't have materially; it makes your husband feel inadequate as the provider. Besides, we are to set our minds on the eternal, not the temporal (2 Cor. 4:18; Col. 3:1-2). Do your best to stretch the house-hold dollar. Be a good steward of what God has already given you. Be content with what you have (1 Tim. 6:8). Husbands, be as generous to your wives as possible. Be more generous to them than you are to yourselves.
- Make your marriage the central relationship in the home (apart from your individual relationship to Christ, of course). While children are God's gifts and welcomed additions to the family, they are not the central feature of the family; the marriage relationship is (Gen. 2:24). Make sure that your schedules and activities reflect the priority of the marriage relationship. In addition to preserving your marriage, this will bring more benefit and security to your kids than you can imagine.
Well, there you have it! May these practical tidbits be a help and encouragement to you, as pursue a healthy and vibrant marriage to the glory of God!
I love it!
ReplyDeleteI (we) need to work on #6. Admittedly we make almost no priority for date nights or dating in general.
Revive Our Hearts on WEZE was also making a challenge to wives to take their 30 day challenge. For 30
days say NOTHING negative at all to your spouse or about your spouse. Think nothing negative about your spouse and when you do, replace it with a positive appreciation for your spouse. It is amazing how well it works.
I also heard the best line the other week, "Be the spouse you have always wanted to have". Wise advice from a couple who was married over 60 years.
Congratulations on your Anniversary!!!
ReplyDeleteThis is a great list, thank you.
We would add something we learned at a Family Life Marriage Conference a few years ago.
Your spouse is not your enemy, Satan is and he'll do anything to disrupt your marriage and family. When we start getting on each other's nerves or irritated about something, it really helps when we think or say, "He (or she) is not my enemy." It sends us right to the Lord for His help to get back on track.
If anyone is interested in information about Family Life Marriage Conferences in our area we would be glad to help in any way we can. They have been a blessing to us in keeping our marriage healthy.
Gerry and Sandra Darmetko
Dear Pastor Matt and Ruthie:
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, HAPPY 18TH ANNIVERSARY! Those are 18 wonderful principles to establish in our marriages.
I wanted to added a few things and I am not revealing who I am because I don't want to embarrass anyone. But one of the things I have found out myself, being married over 26 years, is that there isn't much help for people out there who are married to a spouse who becomes sick with a chronic illness. When one spouse becomes sick, the marriage can literally get turned on its head. Some illnesses can wreck havoc on an otherwise healthy mind and body, to the point where it totally changes the fabric of the marriage. Grief and loneliness set in and it can feel like the spouse not affected with the illness will literally die from the lack love, intimacy, friendship, etc.
I wonder if I am the only one suffering from this? I think not. Sometimes the focus of a spouse who has a chronic illness totally changes. The love that once was expressed can totally evaporate. That spouse can become mean and nasty and not even realize why or what they are doing. You feel someone came and stole who your mate used to be. Satan can come in at this time and do considerable damage to the marriage and family/children. Illness can change our physical make-up in such a way that it affects our thinking and the way we would respond to our loved ones and others.
On Sunday you preached a message about how we can be happy if our focus is on Christ and eternal things. Thank you for that message. When my head is heaven focused, it helps me get through the tough times. But there are a lot of wounded marriages out there who push through each day, hiding their hurt and pain. There are Christians who put their ill partner first because it is the right thing to do, who suffer through it every day. Chronic illnesses range from chronic fatigue to cancer to fibromyalgia to diabeties to hypothyroidism/hyperthyroidism and a host of others. Many Christians do not understand what is happening to these people and will often diassociate with them thinking that they are in sin. This saddens me. It is the very time we need to be supportive of one another.
I once had this happy healthy marriage, but chronic illness has definitely changed it. It can leave you feeling isolated and lonely because you have to live in a relationship where there is almost nothing to sustain it. I hope my words will bring to light for others that you are not alone. But I wish the church would see that this isn't always a spiritual condition that a person with an illness has. Medical science does not cure everything.
Thank you. Your comments were very appropriate and I hope will be well received by the readership.
ReplyDeleteI can very much identify with what you said, in an indirect sort of way. My own mother suffered from chronic illness most of my years growing up, and she finally went to heaven in June of 2000, at the age of 52. My father served primarily in the role of provider and caretaker, and I know that the sensual/intimate aspects of my parents' relationship was drastically altered.
I also know of a gentleman who belonged to our church family (he has since moved out of the area), whose wife suffered from cancer. She was not a believer in Christ until a very short time before her death. Beyond the issues of intimacy, there was the issue of her being simply downright mean and bitter. Yet I saw the love of Christ prevail in this man's attitude and behavior toward his wife. God used the unconditional love of this husband to melt the heart of his wife and eventually lead her to saving faith in Jesus Christ.
Admittedly, not every story is the same. And I realize that Ruthie and I do not presently face the tremendous struggles that some couples face in the midst of chronic (or even terminal) illness, physical disabilities, and emotional issues. Yet God's grace is sufficient, and those spouses who live on a higher plane through the power of the indwelling Christ are a tremendous comfort, encouragement, and inspiration to those enduring similar trials and afflictions (see 2 Cor. 1:3-7).
So thank you again for sharing your perspective. It was a much-needed (and I hope much-appreciated) part of this discussion on marriage. I pray that whoever you are, you will experience an even greater outpouring of God's grace in your life and marriage. May our Lord bless you and keep you.
"Many Christians do not understand what is happening to these people and will often disassociate with them thinking that they are in sin."
ReplyDeleteThank you for writing this. This is absolutely right. I spent an hour thinking about just this comment, and remembering some things.
I think I'll give my wife and daughter an extra hug and kiss tonight.