Giving Your Kids G-Rated Answers on R-Rated Issues

Today I received an e-mail from a lady in our congregation.  The subject heading was: "Explaining Incest to Girls."  Oh, boy.  I knew this was going to be a doozy.  This mother of two girls, ages 6 and 4, proceeded to ask,

Any pointers on how to best explain how Lot's daughters conceived without being married?  [Both my girls] asked today and I have no idea where to start with that one.  They are quite aware of how babies come out, but not how they get in.  They are not making the connection that Lot fathered his (grand)kids, and I'm at a loss as to how to explain it in a G-rated fashion.

The portion of Scripture to which this mother is referring is Genesis 19:30-36:

Now Lot went up out of Zoar and lived in the hills with his two daughters, for he was afraid to live in Zoar. So he lived in a cave with his two daughters.  And the firstborn said to the younger, “Our father is old, and there is not a man on earth to come in to us after the manner of all the earth.  Come, let us make our father drink wine, and we will lie with him, that we may preserve offspring from our father.”  So they made their father drink wine that night. And the firstborn went in and lay with her father. He did not know when she lay down or when she arose.

Seeing I had only a few minutes to respond to this mother's query before my next meeting, I replied as follows:

Dear _____________,

Wow, that's a tough one, only because your girls are so young.  However, if they understand how babies come out, that's a start.  For instance, do you refer to that as their "private part"?  If so, you could say that boys/men have their "private part" too, and it is different from girls/women.  You could take them back to Genesis 2:24, how "the man and his wife [Adam and Eve] were both naked and not ashamed."  Explain that God made the love between a man and his wife special -- that they can show deep love and affection for each other by being naked together and holding each other close.  They become, as it were, "one flesh."  When a husband and his wife come together in this way, their private parts are connected, and this is how children are made.

You can tell them that this kind of affection is only for a husband and wife.  For it to happen with any other person besides one's spouse is sin -- a violation of God's holy Word.  So in discussing the story of Lot, you can tell them that at least two sins occurred: (1) Lot allowed himself to get drunk, which is a sin - see Ephesians 5:18, and (2) Lot's daughters snuck into their father Lot's bed while he was passed out from being drunk, and they got naked with him and made their private parts touch.  That's how they ended up having children.  But because Lot was their father and not their husband, this was a terrible sin against God and against one another.  

Perhaps you can conclude by thanking God for your family, that Daddy and Mommy love each other in this special way, and that's how we had you.  Daddy and Mommy love you, too, but in a different way.  This pleases God and helps us to have a happy home.

Of course you can tailor this answer to best suit your children, since you know them better than anyone else.  But I think this is the general direction that I would go.

If I can be of further help, please let me know.  Also, I'd love to hear how things turn out (i.e. how your girls respond once you talk to them about this).

Thanks,
Pastor Matt

After reading my response, this mother expressed her appreciation and recommended that I post this piece of correspondence on my blog site for the purpose of helping other parents that may come across similar issues.

Having done this, I would like to add a few closing thoughts:

1. The Bible is not a book of G-rated children's stories.  Scripture presents sin in all its vileness, ugliness and filth.  Even the best "heroes of the faith" are flawed and in need of redemption.
2. When coming across "R-rated" topics in Scripture, don't skip over them, ignore them, or present them as something less or different than what they really are.  Remember, "all Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness" (2 Tim. 3:16).
3. The last point notwithstanding, use tact when teaching your children.  Be discerning.  After all, there are both "meat" and "milk" appetites when it comes to Scripture.  "Solid food is for the mature" (Heb. 5:14; cf. 1 Cor. 3:1-2).  Don't give your kids more than they can handle at their level of maturity.  Pray for wisdom (James 1:5) and respond accordingly.
4. Make a beeline from the text to the gospel.  Remember, the Bible is a book about the salvation of God's people through Jesus Christ his Son.  Therefore, as John Calvin said, "The scriptures should be read with the aim of finding Christ in them."  When you encounter any text, ask yourself, "What is the road that leads to Christ?"  Take your child down that road.

I wish I would have taken an extra moment in my e-mail to follow through on that fourth point.  It is so important.  It's not enough to know the stories of the Bible; you've got to be able to connect the dots and see Christ at the heart of it all.  Around Christmas, I came across a terrific summary of the story-line of the Bible.  I have found it to be a tremendous resource.  To read it, click here.

Parents have the weighty responsibility and glorious privilege of teaching their children the Word of God.  Though biblical issues can can be incredibly challenging at times, let us resolve: 

We will not hide them from [our] children, but tell to the coming generation the glorious deeds of the LORD, and his might, and the wonders that he has done . . . that the next generation might know them, the children yet unborn, and arise and tell them to their children, so that they should set their hope in God and not forget the works of God, but keep his commandments. - Psalm 78:4, 6-7

Divine Regret

"I the LORD do not change" (Malachi 3:6).  In this text God affirms his unchangeableness, or immutability.  This divine attribute is affirmed elsewhere in Scripture (see Psalms 33:11; 102:25-27; Isaiah 46:9-11; Numbers 23:19; James 1:17).

Several years ago, after our family had suffered through a difficult stretch of church ministry, the elders granted us a six-week sabbatical.  At the time, we weren't sure if we would even stay on at the church.  The elders wanted us to (and, as it turned out, so did the vast majority of the congregation).  But we weren't sure if we could or should continue serving in that context.  However, after a lot of Scripture reading, praying, and heart-searching, we concluded that the Lord wanted us to stay and serve.  But we were a bit squeamish about what awaited us when we got back.  As we talked about this, Ruthie reassured me, saying, "God is the same God that he was six weeks ago."  That truth strengthened our resolve and kept our hand to the plow.  Despite whatever changes awaited us, God was--and would continue to be--our one true Constant.

Was our trust misplaced?  Did our faith have firm footing?  Is God really immutable, or does he actually change his mind?  Verses like Genesis 6:6-7 seem to indicate that he does:

And the LORD was sorry that he had made man on the earth, and it grieved him to his heart.  So the LORD said, "I will blot out man whom I have created from the face of the land, man and animals and creeping things and birds of the heavens, for I am sorry that I have made them."

Additional texts which indicate repentance or regret on God's part are Exodus 32:14; 1 Samuel 15:11, 29; Jeremiah 26:3.  What are we to make of these texts?  Do we have cause for concern when it comes to God's constancy and thus his dependability?

In a word, no.  We need not doubt the Lord's reliability, which is rooted in his immutability.  Reassurance comes as we cut Scripture straight (2 Timothy 2:15).  Every word of God is inerrant and important.  The Hebrew root behind all the above references to God's "repentance" or "regret"is nacham, which carries the idea of "breathing or sighing deeply."  The term suggests a display of one's feelings -- sorrow, compassion or comfort.  This Hebrew root is reflected in such names as Nehemiah ("comfort of Yahweh") and Nahum (a shortened form of Nehemiah).

When Scripture speaks of God's "repentance" or "regret," the point is not that God has changed in terms of his character or essential nature.  Rather the idea is that God's feelings toward, and dealings with, certain people change in response to some change on their part.  With this in mind, let's look again at Genesis 6:6 in light of its context:

• Genesis 6:5 says, "The Lord saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every intention of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually."  This is radically different from Genesis 1, where we read that "God saw everything that he had made, and behold, it was very good..." (v. 31). 
• What was it that changed God's outlook?  Sin!  Sin is viewed not as mere imperfection, but as something hostile to God's person and holy purposes.  Sin is intensely personal ("the thoughts of [man's] heart").  Sin is pervasive (every intention of his heart was only evil continually"), i.e. everything man does is contaminated by sin.  Sin is perpetual ("only evil continually").
• Hence the change on man's part (from good to evil) resulted in a change on God's part, in terms of his feelings and his dealings.

Here we see the importance of cutting Scripture straight, being as precise and accurate as possible in our understanding of God.  We see such precision in theologian Wayne Grudem's definition of God's unchangeableness (immutability):  "God is unchanging in his being, perfections, purposes, and promises, yet God does act and feel emotions, and he acts and feels differently in response to different situations" (Systematic Theology, p. 163).   That is worth reading over a few times, even memorizing, for the sake of gaining an accurate understanding of God's immutability - what it means and what it does not mean.

The Lord in his infinite wisdom understands the limited capabilities of the human mind and how we might tend to question one scriptural truth in light of another.  So in passages which indicate a change in God's feelings or dealings with man, we find also in that same context a reaffirmation of God's immutability.  For instance, God says in 1 Samuel 15:11, "I regret that I have made Saul king, for he has turned back from following me and has not performed my commandments."  (Notice how God's feelings changed in response to how Saul had changed.)  Yet later on in that same chapter, after the Lord rejected Saul from being king, Scripture declares that "the Glory of Israel will not lie or have regret, for he is not a man that he should have regret."  So did the Lord have regret (v. 11) or didn't he (v. 29)?  The answer is that the Lord did have regret in the sense that he was saddened by Saul's disobedience and subsequently rejected him as king.  Yet the Lord did not change or have regret in terms of his holy character, sovereign plan, and eternal purposes for Israel.  To quote Grudem again, 

These instances [of divine regret] should all be understood as true expressions of God's present attitude or intention with respect to the situation as it exists at that moment.  If the situation changes, then of course God's attitude or expression of intention will also change.  This is just saying that God responds differently to different situations.

To cite one more example, God had planned to destroy the city of Nineveh on account of its wickedness and sent Jonah to tell them so.  But when Jonah finally did so, the people repented of their sin.  "When God saw what they did, how they turned from their evil way, God repented of the evil which he had said he would do to them; and he did not do it" (Jonah 3:10).  God's character and holy purposes experienced no change, but his short-term plan did in response to the situation as it existed at that particular moment.

A right understanding of God's unchangeableness brings reassurance to us as believers and strengthens our faith.  Furthermore, the doctrine of divine immutability causes us to rejoice over our God who is not only sovereign over us but is also personally involved with us.  

Praise to the Lord, who o'er all things so wondrously reigneth,

Shelters thee under His wings, yea, so gently sustaineth!

Hast thou not seen how thy desires e'er have been

Granted in what He ordaineth?